What Will Never Be

2003 > America

My Dad is at peace now

You are my hero
We love you, Dad

Dad, why did you have to die so quickly? Didn’t you know you were supposed to live long enough to see the next generation? Yeah, that’s right, Dad, one day I was going to have kids, little rug rats running around the house, spilling and spitting, and making me proud.

And I wanted you to be there.

I wanted you to see ’em Dad. To have pride in your son, in your grandkids. I wanted you to tell them the stories I heard growing up. About Afghanistan, about Mexico, about India, about all the people, places, things that you and Mom did.

And its not like Mom will not be there, but you know you were to storyteller. She was the fact checker, correcting your dates & places, but you had the gift.

It was your voice, your cadence, and your spirit that gave the stories life. It was you Dad that taught me how to weave a tale. Its you that I copy when I’m on stage. Its you that I try to capture as I write this. Its you Dad and now you are gone.

I see you now only in my dreams. Hell, I’m trying so hard to remember your voice, your image, your presence, and yet you’re fading Dad. You’re fading a little bit here and there every day. I fear it, Dad, I fear the moment I realize I can’t remember you anymore. I know it will happen, and yet I fear it so.

That’s when I will fully realize how transient we are on this Earth. That no matter how much I write, how many I make laugh, or where I go, it’s all temporary. That none of us, or even our effect or our memory lasts forever.

You’re gone Dad and I didn’t get a chance to make your memory permanent. Do you know I don’t have a single recording of your voice? Not one video clip of your moves? Or how much I would give, at this instant, to have even one of your annoying ‘I just wanted to tell you that I love you’ voicemail messages?

I miss you Dad.

Why did you have to leave? Why did you have to die? And why on earth did you shave your head just before doing so? You had such a great lock of white hair. Hell, I only wish I’ll get some of that before all mine recedes.

Now I have to face my bed again. The one I can’t sleep in since your passing. Or I can sleep in it, but only if I’m too exhausted or drunk to stay awake. Otherwise, it’s like tonight, where I am awake at 3:11 am, thinking about you, about me, and about life.

Let me sleep Dad, let me close my eyes. Then do what you do best, tell me more stories. I wanna hear again about the India to Pakistan border crossing. The guy in Formentera who moved the rock with a stick. How the ‘Bit O Sole’ made it into a movie. How you and Mom styled for a decade across the world.

Tell me Dad, I’m listening. In between the tears, I am listening. I am, I swear.

2 Comments on “What Will Never Be

  1. Man,
    You have to just play it cool,and carry on with life.Everyone that has ever lost a parent feels the same way.Wayan,you have to be strong because lfe is like that.Thank God that you still have your Mom who is always…….as a parent does.
    It is good you admire all that he did to you and your family.Please,may you be an example?
    I for one when mine died from Tanzania,I just found myself running,but I did not know where I was going. It was as if the place I was in was congested,and I wanted some fresh air.I kept on running but there was no fresh air I was looking for.
    I remember tellng people that I wished it was my mom that died instead. Pleople were shocked ,but that was my feelings at that moment.
    Wayan,this world is now full of residues.The good things people used to enjoy before we were born are all filtered away,the remaining ;residues. So what? Man,take care. You have to protect yourself so as to see tomorrow.
    Your Dad did not see your kids,how sure are you that you were going to be blessed to that extent?
    I know it is hard but leave everything to the one who planned all this.
    Remember,you are not still the Wayan we saw in the internet cafe some time back,no! You are now Mr.Vota…..
    And be it.
    Never mind,you are not alone. But be strong. Be a man.God bless.

  2. DEAR MR. Vota:
    There is so much frankness of your true emotions in this post. It doesn’t shock me that you can write such vivid descriptions of your debauchery-filled nights, your crazy encounters while traveling, and also about your pain and suffering at times. You are great at putting your feelings and ideas on paper and in words. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with expressing happy and sad feelings.
    I read this little excerpt in one of Deepak Chopra’s books a week ago while waiting for my breakfast at this cafe, and it said exactly this, that we should not deprive ourselves from feeling that we should not feel something. If you want to feel sad, feel sad!! It is a way that you will remember that emotion, and know how bad thigns are, so when you feel less pain, it will matter even less…
    Anyway, I THINK YOU ARE AMAZING, and your energy, personality, and lively nature will keep your father alive in you, and I don’t doubt you shall meet some lovely woman to have some little babies with that have the same energy as you posess..!