Wanna Live With Me?
$640 – Large Br in Spacious & Sunny 2BR Apartment
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My housemate is moving to NYC at the end of October and leaving me with a giant two-bedroom apartment in Mt Pleasant, right on the S2, S4 16th Street bus lines, one block from Mt Pleasant Ave shops like Tonic & the 42 bus or the new Tivoli Giant, and three blocks from Wonderland or the Columbia Heights Metro Station.
On a top floor of the Majestic Apartments we’re high enough not to get too much 16th Street noise while we enjoy amazing views of Washington from Columbia Heights to the National Shrine. This time of year, we also get soft morning light poring in through the big curved windows of our dining area, lighting up the ballet-studio sized living room and clean kitchen. Down the hall, past my room and our shared bathroom could be your new bedroom. At 12x20ft, it’s larger than many studios in this city and you have your own two closets, two windows, and cable connection. We have WiFi throughout and it, plus cable and electricity, is around $120 that we split. In his departure, my housemate’s taking a good amount of furniture with him, and what is mine in the common areas, I’m not all that attached to. This means that if you have much stuff, well decent non-Dumpster-dived stuff, that’s a plus for we sure have the room. Another plus would be the ability and desire to use standard household cleaning apparatus, including a mop for our hard wood floors and sponges to keep kitchen and bathroom clean. I’m a clean guy whose fought grime single-handedly for the last year as my housemate watched TV. While I don’t care what you watch, you do need to share, both in cleaning and remote control mastery. And the Daily Show is preferred over Fox News, but if you don’t care to watch either, even better. I’m usually geeking out on my computers anyway. That or out socializing. Right, which means you need to help keep the beer fridge stocked too. Beer, wine, booze, this ain’t a dry apartment. It is a smoke-free DC one though. It is in a great building – an Art Deco masterpiece that has a rooftop deck, new elevators, and a quirky, if not modern, charm. And I’m a fun quirky guy myself. A geek by trade, after work, I’m a social butterfly. Not one to bring much of a party home, I do seek them out, and I’m generally thought of as a nice guy, always ready to laugh and have a good time. Please be the same: fun, energetic, and clean. M/F doesn’t matter as much as a positive personality, willingness to decorate, sharing the housework, good social skills, and the lack of cats or dogs – they’re not allowed. Oh, and note the price again – $640 per month. Sweet, eh? Now let me know something about you – what’s your role here in DC, how are you to live with, and why would I wanna share this deal with you?
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I thought I would write a little rant on here, just to get it out of my system. I’ve been looking for housing now for two months here in the district, and I have to tell you that while I haven’t found anything (frustration #1) I’ve seen the gambit of sick and twisted and ultimately stupid people who are offering rooms. I thought I would list a few for people’s amusement.
1) To the man who answered the door in his wife-beater, under shorts, and bare feet: Sir, if you would have showered, bathed or just hosed off in the backyard, or even pissed against the wind, I probably would have taken the room. Hell, I wouldn’t have minded that you sleep in the basement, without running water, and came upstairs to take care of your IBS. There is such a thing as saying too much, Sir – perhaps you should take note.
2) To the woman who answered the door and was so very sweet and nice, only to walk into the front room and find an entire dungeon of BDSM equipment and then asked if I minded if I would be offended if I walked in after a hard day and found you in the middle of a “scene”, and that it could be like watching sportscenter. Not for nothing, but if I ever saw Chris Bermann with a strap on and a leather ensemble while doing the highlights for my Yankees, I’d run off a cliff screaming. Yes I would mind, no it’s not that entertaining, and if it were a sport, I’d probably dislike it.
3) To the Ethiopian man who asked if I’d found Jesus Christ in my life, then got pissed when I hacked Robin Williams and said “No, but I’m about to get naked and go looking for him.” You have no fucking sense of humor, and no I don’t want your smallish fucking room.
4) To the homosexual young man who told me that I should feel comfortable, even though I’m straight, to join in with whomever you’re fucking on any particular night. No, and no. I don’t have a problem with gay men, hell!, some of the best people in this world are gay and lesbians that I’ve become friends with – I love gay people as people, and support them in whatever they do, but what you’re proposing to a perspective roommate is just wrong. I’d like to add a note here that I thank G-d every night before I go to sleep that you’ve voluntarily removed yourself from the gene pool.
5) To the woman who let me see the entire house, had a pleasant conversation, and then led me to believe that I’ve got the house, only to call me back and tell me that you and your other roommate are just looking for another girl. That shit was cold.
6) To the woman who showed me the entire house then proceeded to jump my bones and fuck my brains out, well, did I mention that it was hot, because if I didn’t – that was hot. I didn’t even mind you’re telling me that you couldn’t be roommates with someone you felt like fucking all the time. And yes, I think you should get your clit pierced again
7) To the man who answered the door while holding a steaming hot pan of bacon, then wondered why I wouldn’t see the room, I’ll give you two answers. One is that I’m a vegetarian, and the other is that I’m fucking Jewish. Just the smell of that shit makes me want to vomit, though the stink of that might just cover up for the smell of murdered pigs.
8) To the one that sat in silence – you have to talk to convince me to live with you – that was by far the most awkward experience I’ve ever had.
9) To the man that asked me if I would be okay if I didn’t drink or have sex while living there because it went against your conservative Christian beliefs: Yes and yes. I love this stuff called Talisker – you wouldn’t know it because it’s a scotch. Not just any scotch, but single malt, one-glass-and-you’re-fucked-up scotch. Scotch that’s so sweet, and so smooth as it passes through you, it’s a wonderful thing.
Perhaps if you had some, it’d loosen you up enough to lose your virginity, because if you’re 29 and you still haven’t found some kind of pussy to lay pipe into, well – I know a gay man who’d love to have you as a roommate. He might not even need a drink before he punished your virgin ass in a depraved indifference to your pain, you right wing, neo-conservative nutball.
10) To the woman who throughout the entire showing and conversation kept cutting the cheese, Jesus Christ, get control of that shit. I don’t know which was worse, the smell of the litterbox in the bathroom that needed to be cleaned so badly that the cat wouldn’t even go into it, or the fact that I was smelling whatever the fuck you’ve had to eat over the last three days.
11) And finally: To all of you motherfuckers who decided that I wasn’t worth at least a phone call or an e-mail to say that you’ve chosen someone else, fuck you, fuck your mother, fuck your family, blow the pope. You guys suck. You people are the reason DC has such a bad rep for not being able to find housing. Pick up a phone you lazy bastards. Even if it’s to tell me to piss off, at least I know you’ve made an effort.
And so the search goes on.
Hello,
Thanks for the reply.Isaw the advert of the apt which you are letting.I have much interest in it,because i want to change my enviroment now from here. I want you to send me more picture of the APt so that i can be able to view with my family,because i respected them so much.I am Mrs.Kate Sandra.i am married and we have two kids.My private number is :1-206 888 6329.
I want you to contact me faster so that i can arrange payment and every necessary document to be sign for before we move in.We are only looking for short term rent(Max.3months).
Thanks.
Regards.
Hello,
I saw your apartment advertised on craigslist.com and i want to rent it,i will be signing a one year lease for it and want to know if it is still available so that i can go ahead with the rent and deposit payment.
I intend to stay in this unit with my wife and daughter,i am a scientist by profession while my wife is an interior decorator.We do not keep any kind of pet.
Please let us hear from you asap as we intend to move into this apartment by the end of this month.
Sincere regards,
Dr.Bullici Eray.
HELLO IM VERY INTERESTED IN THE AD THAT YOU HAVE PLACED. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE DETAILS ON THE ROOM SUCH AS
COULD I WALK OR CATCH THE BUS TO THE METRO? ARE THERE ANY OTHER AMENTIES IN OR OUT SIDE? MAYBE MORE WHEN I SEE IT.
ALSO, IF ITS POSSIBLE THAT I CAN PAY WEEKLY WHICH IN THIS CASE WOULD BE ABOUT $125 A WEEK A DEPOSIT OF $200 SO AT THE END OF EACH MONTH YOULL HAVE RENTED $500, INSTEAD OF $420
A LIL BIT ON MYSELF
MY NAME IS DAVID. 25 YEARS OF AGE GRADUATED FROM VIRGINIA STATE UNIVERSITY I WORK AT 16TH AN K STARBUCKS AS A MANAGER, NW, DC CURRENTLY JUST MOVED/TRANSFERED FROM NEW YORK FOR A PROMOTION. YOU CAN CONTACT ME
do you accept pets? i have an adorable, well mannered, matured pooch – that has been separated from his mom (me) for 1 1/2 months ‘cuz she cant find nice people that understand pet owners……
Ah, I love the crazies and the fools who don’t read the ad. Anyway, after a weekend of interviews and stress, I have a new housemate.
Whew!
Comment for the first post:
Best rant ever :^)