It’s Official: I am the Cooler, Older Cousin

2003 > America

I am so cooler than you!

now toss it slow
We partied all night
now don't be mad Dad
And Dad wasn’t happy
Way back when I was twelve or thirteen, I had a cooler, older cousin. Ann Renne, or just Ren as she preferred to be known, was my idol. She introduced me to all that was cool then, like the movie Sixteen Candles, Prince’s 1999 record, and taking the folk’s car for a drive.

Since then, I’ve always aspired to be the cooler, older cousin to someone, and for a few years my cousin Sean fit that bill. Then, as he started to be too cool himself, I needed new cousins to impress, and luckily I have over fifty-five to choose from.

Last fall and this summer, as my cousins got married, I had the chance to show off my skills to quite a few cousins, none of which could really remember my fat and dorky self the last time we met.

They could only see the new me, the ultra-cool, world-traveling, hard-parting cousin that I showed them time and time again. In November, I warmed them up with tales of foreign exploits and this time, while we gathered for cooler, older cousin Ann Renne’s wedding in New Hampshire, I took them on a few.

Well at least one decent adventure, as I grabbed my cousins Grandi, Trudy, and Christian for a night of drinking and bar hopping through the town of Plymouth. After shutting down the town, with a cameo by an odd Thalidomide kid, we headed back to the hotel in full party mode.

Instead of heading to bed, we grabbed a lemon and a traffic cone, playing played parking lot baseball until our chaos aroused one too many sleeping guests. Not willing to stop there, the next move was a memorable one.

Or at least a cold one, as its not the best idea to go skinny dipping in the Pemigewasset River after the spring we’ve had. Still, with cold water lapping at my neither regions, I called on my cousins to join me for a swim, and in the process I founded the Pemme Skinny Dip Club.

As the founding member, I got two prizes that wouldn’t show up for a few dayz. The first was uncontested cooler, older cousin status, which I am very happy to report was enhanced by winning several rounds of ‘King of the Raft’ on Lake Winnepesakie the next day, and the second, which was a fine case of poison ivy that still haunts me two weeks later.