I’m in Glamour Magazine!
Ah, the talents you didn’t know I had
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Why Men Do What They Do In Bed Squeezing your breasts like Play-Doh. Going at it jackhammer-style. What’s up with that stuff, anyway? The most mysterious male sex habits, explained. By Lynn Harris I once dated a guy who was obsessed with having a threesome. He made a list of candidates, scouted locations, called me on my cell to run ideas by me – he had the event planned from beginning to end like a Martha Stewart wedding. I was more perplexed by his behavior than put off; I can see the appeal of a threesome, but why the fixation? If he had dedicated as much energy to, say, ending global warming, we might have had our polar ice caps back by now. I realize that my ex is not alone; every gal and her sister has had some guy hint that he’d like to hop into bed with her… and her sister. And it doesn’t end there. There are so many strange things men do in bed, strange things they’re dying to do, strange things we’d like them to stop doing. So Glamour came straight out and asked guys about their more puzzling passions and proclivities. Read their responses and never have another “Huh? Why’d he do that?” moment in bed. Why are guys obsessed with making women scream like pom stars? So what’s up with that? Here’s the deal from the men I talked to: Guys dig the positive feedback. “What? Porn stars fake it?” says Adam, 25. “Kidding. Seriously, it’s that those sounds let us know that we’re on the right track.” Adds Ned, 23, “Hearing panting or moaning is exciting!” Blame their techno-nerd sides – men like anything with Surround Sound. Just don’t feel obligated to adjust your volume level to “loud.” Says Leslie, “I’ve learned that a little ‘Mmm, that feels so good’ whispered into a guy’s ear goes a long way.” How come men do the exact same thing every time during sex? Plenty of women I spoke with vented about roboguys – strange creatures whose sexual routines never, ever vary. “First he’d kiss my neck, then my ears, then my lips,” says Beth, 35, recalling one such droid. “Then his hands would move to my chest, then to my belly, then down below, where he’d rub for three minutes-give or take a few seconds-before we’d have sex. Whenever I’d move his hands they’d drift back into automode, like they were programmed. It’s as if he were thinking, last time I did this, I got to have sex. Must do exact same thing again.” So what’s up with that? Look, guys stick to what works. “It’s not always easy to figure out a woman’s needs in bed. So if we think we have a system down pat, we hit the cruise control button,” says Adam. “That and, yeah, sometimes we get lazy.” Hello-what’s the big deal with swallowing? So what’s up with that? Men admit that it’s partly about the symbolism – they think swallowing demonstrates an admirable “will-do” attitude. “It’s not like if she doesn’t you’re offended,” says Ned. “But if she does, you love that she’s putting in the bonus effort, maybe because she loves your performance.” Annoying, right? But I also heard from several men that part of the allure is purely physical: An orgasm feels better, they say, when there’s no break in the action. “Imagine you were on the receiving end of oral sex and a guy pulled away just as you hit the critical moment,” one man reasoned. OK, guys-got it. Why do men like to compress your breasts into one giant uniboob? So what’s up with that? For some guys, this is a size thing. “When you press breasts against each other, they bulge! They spring to life! And your tongue can feel two at once!” gushes Simon, 35. “Also, the crevasse is sexy to lick, perhaps because-sorry to get graphic-it suggests the vagina.” Guys note, though, that while the uniboob move offers watch-’em-grow fun, a small chest is by no means disappointing. Men like breasts as long as they’re.. .breasts. Can someone once and for all explain the lure of anal sex? So what’s up with that? Evidently, it does feel pretty damn good-for men. “Physically, there’s the tight fit, and mentally, there’s the taboo,” says Wayan, 29. Most women I spoke with had one bottom line: If they’re not comfortable with the act, they say so, nicely. And if he persists? Says my friend Ellen, “I go to plan B-blunt-ness. I’ll tell him, ‘Back off! If you wouldn’t do that, why should I?'” Why are grown men convinced that size matters? So what’s up with that? As Wayan explains it, “The size issue boils down to men’s enduring competition with each other. Mine is bigger than yours equals I make women happier than you. I am richer than you equals I make women happier than you. I have a Hummer equals I make women happier than you. It’s all the same thing.” Obviously nobody’s yet told men that when women see a guy in a Hummer they think, someone’s overcompensating…. Why do guys have bedroom attention deficit disorder? So what’s up with that?Me are like pupples: Once you seem pleased with their tricks, they say, they are eager to show off other ones. That’s why when women murmur “right there!”, men hear “Good job!” and move on. Says Adam, “Never underestimate the power of the words ‘Don’t stop.” What’s with the hyperactive tongue-flicking? So what’s up with that? Anatomy Lesson: There is, at least in men’s minds a tongue-penis continuum. “We treat the tongue like the penis – as in it likes things hard and fast,” says David. 36. “Quick. flicking seems more stimulating than slow, gentle moves,” notes Andrem. “It’s the same reason we think, how could a few kisses on the neck turn a girl on? ‘Cause they don’t do anything for us.” Which would make perfect sense, Andrew – if you were having sex with you. Women shaving down below: Why the fascination? So what’s up with that? Blame the influence of porn-and resist it. You should do whatever the hell you want with your bikini zone. Wax it nude or leave it alone forever. Besides, most guys say they’re just grateful to be allowed down there at all. What’s so sexy about girl-on-girl action? So what’s up with that? Most men are simply doing the math: Two women = twice as many interesting body parts = twice as much groping fun. And then there’s the stud factor. Says Dylan, 27, “It’s hard enough for some guys to imagine that a single woman would find them attractive, much less two at the same time.” Why the pounding, nonstop jackhammer sex? Also known as bam-bam-bam sex, it’s just plain frustrating. “It makes men seem like they’re less interested in our pleasure than they are in digging to China,” says Marjorie, 37. “Yeah, women like it hard on occasion, but with my ex, for example, there was no finesse and no variance, even when I made suggestions. Hello, I am not a sidewalk!” So what’s up with that? “Sometimes that’s what it takes for us to finish, mainly due to years of doing it ourselves, impatiently, with too-fast strokes,” insists Wayan. But sometimes men get carried away. “When we’re revved up, we don’t want to be all delicate,” says Simon. By all means, ask men to slow down; just do it loud enough for them to hear over their motors. How come men fall asleep so soon after sex? So what’s up with that? “You know how the French call an orgasm le petit mart- the little death? It’s like that!” says Simon. “A large amount of vital force has left our bodies. We’re depleted.” Guys, get a grip! We’re zonked too, but we don’t start snoring in your face (and we don’t call our bodily fluid a “vital force,” either). The only way to train a man not to conk out, say my male informants: Let him know that, despite his quirks and oddball cravings, you just might be up for round two. |
If a guy drives a Hummer, I assume he’s woefully underendowed. Besides, he’s consuming a finite natural resource at an astronomical pace and contributing to America’s dependence on Middle Eastern oil, a dependence because of which we prop up corrupt regimes which oppress their people and then, when those people grow restive, tell them to blame America for their ills. (Or nowadays we just invade them and try to remake them in our image with no regard for their customs, their personal dignity, or, in some cases, basic human rights.) But the guy in the Hummer would rather gloat over his big, shiny, gas-guzzling toy than spend even a moment pondering the consequences of his purchase. That’s real mature. So yeah, guys with Hummers? Lacking in many things.