A Koshka Konspiracy

In the fall, kittens overflow and Russians have a few ideas about it

Last night, as I was walking up the stairs to my flat, a woman passed me
with a few kittens in her bag. When she saw me she looked down and sped out
of podyedz. Odd I thought, until I reached my floor. What did I see tumbling
down the stairs to me, but two kittens!

Through the cold, tired, hungry shell, past the mental barriers to caring
and kindness, and over the objections of my heartless masculine side, the
kittens called in their high soulful cries. Still, I reached down inside
myself and found the iron will to shut the door on the two lost souls. It’s
tough life after all. It wasn’t until I took off the coat and tie, the
professional persona, that I was finally so tortured by my conscience that
I opened my door to the koshka duo.

They spent the night in deep fascination with all
aspects of my dirty clothes hamper, but now they must find new homes. One
of my housemates is allergic to cats, the other is allergic to responsibility,
and I, like all men, am allergic to commitment. I can attest to their good
behavior and good health. They played nicely with each other all night, even
sleeping peacefully together. They do not have fleas (or they would still
be in the podyedz), ear mites, or any visible signs of infection. They are
quite healthy!

Now I have to give the koshka duo away to one or two kind souls. If they
stay with me any longer, they will turn bad, addicted to Camembert, Estonian
sproti, Euro techno, and late night parties, unable to properly assimilate
into respectable kohska kultura.


Epilogue

I was finally able to give the kittens away, one at work and one to
a girl I met on the street, after four days of trying. Yesterday I saw
three more kittens on the landing, but I just stepped over them
and went into my apartment, I learned my lesson. It must be birthing
season now, everyone I know is trying to pawn off kittens or puppies!

My friend, Maria, sent me this recipe that she happened to have for a good
kitten stew in case I am stuck with kittens again. The recipe originally
comes from a Dutch stand-up comedian, and is a variation on that for
‘coq-au-vin’, and actually quite easy, so even you can prepare a good kitten
stew!

Tender Kitten Stew

All you need is:

  • four young fresh kittens

  • three large onions

  • 100 g real butter (or olive oil if you prefer)
  • bottle of dry white wine

  • fresh sprig of rosemary;

  • three cloves of garlic;

  • pepper and salt;

  1. First grab a few kittens from the landing, or buy
    them off the babuskas in the metro. Then chop the onions in rings and crush
    the garlic cloves. Heat the butter in a large frying-pan it starts to get
    brown and then add the onions and garlic. Let these fry on full heat for
    a few minutes.
  2. Then chop each kitten into medium-sized chunks (not
    too small!).
  3. Add the chopped kittens to the fried onions an garlic.
    Keep stirring for five minutes till the eyes of the kittens get waxy. Then
    add the wine and rosemary and close the lid. Let the kittens simmer away
    in the frying-pan for about one hour. The stew is ready when the tails come
    off quite easily.
  4. Bon appetit!